


Me & myself

by rainbow_reindeer



Category: Bleach
Genre: Also morality issues, Basically deep shit, Because Shinji's different than Ichigo, Because he was a con man back in Rukongai, Character Study, Everything happens inside Shinji's head, Gen, His Hollow isn't all about fighting like Hichigo but rather about mastermind and cruelty for fun, Hollow Confrontation, Hollowfication, Internal Conflict, Lots of headcanons there, Questioning oneself, Shinji's POV, Shinji's sees in reverse, Sorry Not Sorry, Trouble dealing with emotions, What is ethics, What is truth, dark AF, guilt complex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 14:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8628049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbow_reindeer/pseuds/rainbow_reindeer
Summary: First, he told me he was myself.
  
  Regardless of how much I wished for this statement to be fake, it could be an utterly possible scenario. Considering that down inside, in the wastelands of my mind, I had definitely supported these horrific thoughts, shut down and kept on a leash, but… present.





	

It was a dark and lonesome night. My eyes were useless in the void, which darkness black didn’t even come close to describe. And yet, I was perfectly aware it was all happening in my head, that the world wasn’t lost, still experiencing a cheerful day filled with regular sunlight outside. If only I dared to lift my eyelids, I could probably abandon the silent emptiness, laugh once again at the bird’s chirping, once again observe the trees moved by the wind in a perfectly regular rhythm and likewise, the people, much more organized in their motion than they probably thought to be…

However, I was kept captive in the hollow darkness by an unidentified brute force, adding weight to my eyelids and muscles consequently every time I wished to assume control and just break away from this terrible limbo, ensure myself that the outside world is still there, still in place. Was the abuser my conscience? Maybe… It was definitely a valid possibility, considering I didn’t have the slightest right to enjoy the touch of sunbeams caressing my pupils anymore.

Not after what I had become.

Flashbacks of the preceding events could in all likelihood haunt me to the point of being unbearable, but they didn’t. No, the void sucked out every memory, and the only image displayed on replay was Hiyori’s face with the mask on, a painful reminder of how thoroughly I have failed at protecting her, that I was the one, the only one guilty for what had happened to her and to the rest of those I called… friends.

The emotions were much more vivid than the images, conflicting, crossing and looping to the point of absolute confusion. Never before had I ever donated any time for acquainting my feelings, this new experience flooded me unprepared – I wasn’t ready to spend time myself, without the pleasure of ubiquitous distractions from other people… I wasn’t ready to be stripped out of all sarcastic rationality, which was the only point of reference I have had in my whole life, by this near-death experience…

I was overtaken by active emotions, I was burning with anger, I was trembling in fear of the unknown coming, I was drenched in guilt, I was…

I was divided into two halves.

My only companion in the starless murk was Him. A raspy, throaty voice that kept approaching from behind my back with muted footsteps and however close I felt him to be, his cold breath nearly tickling my neck, it seemed to be lasting an eternity.

He was talking all the time, the dissonances of his malicious whisper narrating stories that I would’ve never seek to hear, but that were somehow resonating with the deepest parts of my subconscious.

First, a long while ago, when I was still astounded by the situation that I didn't believe could truly be happening, he told me he was myself.

Regardless of how much I wished for this statement to be fake, it could be an utterly possible scenario. Considering that down inside, in the wastelands of my mind, I had definitely supported these horrific thoughts, shut down and kept on a leash, but… present.

_You don’t fit in and you never did. You’re r-e-v-e-r-s-e-d. Everything anyone has ever said to you was fake. It’s impossible that someone could even tolerate your existence, no one could. You were born to stand out, born to stay alone. And just have fun, make fun of them all. You’ve always been a suspicious liar and somehow you can even lie to yourself that you can care about someone without exploiting them? I’m impressed. But drop the act, Shinji. For once take the mask off. Accept you can have no idea of how others function and you can’t blend in. What’s even ethics? What’s morality? Everyone keeps blabbing about this shit but… ya know it’ll always be the opposite for you. No matter how much you try, your mind works in reverse…_

Or even worse:

_Hammer nails in their eyes. Make ties outta their guts. Get their every organ to do the opposite of what it’s supposed to, your imagination will guide ya. That’d be fun. You’re pretending you’d not, but ya know you’d be laughing. It’d be nothing bad, just turning their little world upside-down. Shoot it a try, let’s become friends~_

The heart was pounding in my chest, reminiscent of the empirical fact that, after all, I was still alive and possessed the life organ of blood and veins, yet I had no assurance if I managed to maintain the metaphorical heart of feelings and passions. I kept shaking my head, but it was becoming weaker and weaker with the time passing by. After every rejection, he’d resume to destroying my established view of myself, of the world and of others. A belief which I was convinced to be a dumb lie now that he pointed that out…

***

\- I’m sorry, Tessai. It didn’t work. I need to get a breath of fresh air.

***

I missed Sakanade. Where was she? For what I knew, my head had never looked like that. It was a quirky, weird and upside-down, but fun and bright place, and Sakanade’s personality was exemplifying those qualities best. Even if she was too much of an attention whore sometimes. Somehow, I was becoming nostalgic and I feared all of it was now lost forever. That the blackened silence would be my only home now; that the antisocial Hollow would take her place by my side and never give it back. How could I know? Perhaps this was one of the effects of what Aizen did to me… to us. Were they waiting for me outside? Perhaps they were by now deadly worried that I wasn't coming out for so long... Of course, only if they were conscious... alive ... themselves.

_Forget about the others. There’s only you and me now._

No, I cried out, but not a single sound escaped my lips. No, I need to go back. I have to help Hiyori…

_There’s only you and me now. Everyone else had made alliances with their Hollows by now. Being dependent is no fun. Free yourself from the lie._

When will he finally touch me? How long has it been? How much more could he possibly be approaching and yet leave me in unawareness of his exact position and, by extension, of my own position? I could attack. I could try and fight him…or even better, outsmart him somehow…

_No use. Irrational. We’re the same person, Shinji. Besides, you know you want to join me …_

The only thing I actually wanted at the moment was not to wish for any union with this unwelcomed part of myself. My subconscious, surprisingly sharp in the blank environment, kept betraying me though, pushing my hands towards the cold embrace, stretching my lips for confirming the alliance in a simple “yes”.

He was right. I was never made for this society. I was seeing the world upside-down, thinking in reverse and I have always been a hedonist, seeking just for the fun in life… The rest was just a weird addiction to company, lack of the useful ability to cope alone. And addictions… must be fought. According to plain, pragmatic logic.

***

\- I swear… I’ll find a way to reverse this “Hollowfication”.

***

I shivered at the sudden touch, which aligned with the course of my thoughts to a creepy degree of accuracy. As if he sniffed I was finally loosing, giving up, on the edge of sanity. Well, of course he did. Speech was needless to communicate between me and…well, myself.

For a fleeting moment, his long finger was tapping against the smooth fabric of the haori on my shoulder, pumping sharp spikes of energy into my body. A twisted rhythm I started to obey. Up is down, right is left, front is back, bad is good, good is bad~

_Let’s go._

***

\- Shinji? Shinji! Shinji, do you hear me? Get out of there!

***

Where will we go?

_To slay the ones you’re addicted to. Freeing you is the first thing to do._

I shook my head, teeth biting on my lower lip to the point of drawing out the metallic taste of blood. No, please, I… I…

_I’m the only one who understands you._

Where’s Sakanade?

_Don’t worry about her. We’ll make her obey. There's a lot of methods for this. We can just torture her~_

Three quick steps back. Or was it to the front?

_What? Are you afraid?~ Trust me, Shinji…_

With a few more steps back, I clenched my fists and let the reiatsu flow out of myself, manifesting itself in Sakanade’s pink mist with its intense, staggering scent of hyacinths left in a locked room until they wither.  
If there was one fact I knew better than anything, it was that most times, I should not be trusted. No matter how convincing my loudmouthed rhetoric abilities might have sounded.

My Hollow made an enormous mistake reminding this little fact to me. Even better, it seemed that breakthrough realizations always come in pairs.

For I now recalled that actually… this place didn’t belong just to him. My internal world could always be shaped as I wished it to. Now I had to share the omnipotence with another Creator, but…  
My abilities were not decreased in the slightest.

Gradually, the shapes began appearing in the dark, a light beaming from my hands was consuming the shadows, revealing every niche in the seeing range.

_So you’re choosing hostility. How irrational. Don't you want to hear someone screams as you rip their hair out? Perhaps Hiyori's?~ She's so important, she should get all the best stuff~_

Shaddap loser.

_For what? For those pathetic, pinchbeck friends of yours? All their Hollows are gonna kill them really soon. And I will stroll around forever. You can never defeat me, you’ll have to cooperate…eventually. I’m patient. Just like you._

You said they’ve formed alliances with their Hollows.

_I did. And how many lies do YOU tell on a daily basis?_

I’ve had enough of your shit.

_Yeah, run away. You can only slightly delay our confrontation, Shin~ji~_

***

\- SHINJI!  
\- His mask is cracking.  
\- Kisuke, your Hougyoku has actually helped after all!  
\- We’ll save them all.

It was a bright and lively day. My eyes fluttered open and I saw the concerned faces of Urahara, Yoruichi and Tessai. A light, wide grin filled my face, fading slightly as I turned and noticed the rest of Aizen’s ‘test subjects’ remaining in an unconscious state.

Kisuke’s words were trespassing my head, as he briefly explained how he wished to make us confront our Hollows in a controlled environment as soon as everyone awakens from the first phase of encountering our inner demons.

Then he assured me everything was going to be fine. Well, apparently, I wasn’t the only one with a tendency for white lies.

And as I looked around, at all the people whose companion and approval I was, apparently, irrationally addicted to, a warm feeling started blooming in my chest, wrapping my insides in calming flora.

After all, I definitely preferred to pretend I could be accepted as one of them and fulfill the role of a goofy friend just as well as anyone else could.


End file.
